


You Can Have It Anyway

by valda



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Forgiveness, Jedi Finn (Star Wars), Kissing, Kylo Ren Redemption, M/M, Mention of Canonical Death (Leia), Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Redemption, Rey appears briefly, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24241042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valda/pseuds/valda
Summary: When Ben Solo saved Rey's life on Exegol, he broke their dyad and lost his connection to the Force. Now, he lives a simple life on Ajan Kloss cataloging Jedi documents and artifacts. Finn, who's there to watch over him, isn't sure what to think or how to feel about Kylo Ren's—Ben's—change of heart. But as Finn and Ben spend more time together, a new understanding blossoms between them.
Relationships: Finn/Ben Solo
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	You Can Have It Anyway

**Author's Note:**

> This was [originally written on Twitter](https://twitter.com/coselia/status/1210236985039884289), but it has been significantly fleshed out for AO3.

Finn has started spending a lot of time with Ben Solo.

At first it was just about watching him, confirming for himself that Ben’s trying to change. Finn’s not sure he would believe it if he didn’t see it with his own eyes. Kylo Ren did horrible things right up until the end: tormenting Rey, slaughtering Resistance members and innocents alike, destroying an entire planet. He annihilated anything and anyone that threatened his rule, clinging to power like it was the only thing that mattered. It’s hard to imagine such a man would ever willingly give up that power.

But he has. He’s stopped calling himself Kylo Ren. He abandoned his position as Supreme Leader of the First Order. He helped Rey defeat the emperor and destroy the Sith Fleet. He willingly sacrificed the Force dyad—his connection to Rey—in order to save Rey’s life.

Now, he’s powerless in every way. Even Finn, with his untrained Force abilities, knows that Ben can no longer feel the Force flowing through him. He knew it as soon as he saw him, when Ben stumbled naked out of the forest on Ajan Kloss. Leia Organa, in her last act as a living Jedi, had spirited her son away from Exegol, because he was too weak to save himself. It was obvious then, and it’s obvious now: Though Ben’s presence shines in the Force, the Force no longer obeys his commands.

He’s powerless, but that doesn’t mean he’s useless. Rey has made Ben an archivist. He’s tasked with organizing the information he learned as a Jedi, the knowledge contained in the original Jedi texts, and anything that can be gleaned from the artifacts she brings back from her quests around the galaxy.

Rather than Coruscant, the site of the new Galactic Senate, Rey established her new Jedi library at Ajan Kloss. It’s not just the site of the Resistance’s final base, the place where Ben Solo returned. It’s also the jungle moon where Leia Organa trained under Luke Skywalker and Rey herself trained under Leia.

Rey has told Finn she hopes restoring the Jedi at Ajan Kloss instead of at the capitol will mark a shift in the way the galaxy views them, and in the way the Jedi view themselves. Rather than associating the Jedi with galactic governance, Rey wants to associate them with public service. Eventually, she will establish a school alongside the library, and the Jedi she trains will be lifelong students, dedicated to learning and helping those in need. They will work to understand the galaxy around them, and they will work to understand themselves, embracing their feelings rather than denying them.

For now, though, she’s gathering information and bringing it back to Ajan Kloss to be compiled by Ben. Everything is just beginning.

The _Tantive IV_ and the cave in which the venerable ship is berthed currently serve as the library; there’s no particular timeline for building a permanent structure. Finn suspects Rey is giving Ben solitude and adjustment time. Perhaps she’s also giving herself some needed time away from him. In any case, by posting him on a mostly uninhabited, seldom-visited planet, she’s insulating Ben from a lot of people who want him dead.

Rey didn’t ask Finn to keep an eye on Ben, but that’s what he decided was best in the short term. He’s protecting everyone, protecting the interests of the fledgling third incarnation of the Republic. There’s another benefit, too. As Ben catalogs information about the Force, the Jedi, and the Sith, Finn learns more about what it means to be Force sensitive.

Ben has taken to the work more quickly than Finn would have expected. Kylo Ren was a loud, selfish, impatient person, more interested in deeds than words. Ben Solo is...circumspect. He even seems humble. He spends his days poring through records and updating digital databases, pausing only for meals and sleep. Some days pass without Ben speaking a single word.

It has occurred to Finn that Ben is pretty cute. That’s a strange thing to think about someone who carved you up with a lightsaber...but Ben isn’t the same as Kylo was. It’s nice to spend time with him, nice to watch him quietly work. Finn almost feels comfortable with Ben.

Almost.

One day Ben’s calm exterior shatters. They are outside near what used to be a starfighter landing strip; Finn is working his way through a lightsaber form Rey showed him the last time she was here, and Ben is sitting on a large rock nearby, reading an ancient book of bound paper. The jungle around them is alive with sound and movement, winged beasts and ground creatures and insects and more going about their business in the trees and up in the sky, and Finn can feel it, feel the Force.

All of a sudden, Ben leaps to his feet, throws the ancient book he’s holding to the ground, and huffs, “I can’t watch this. It’s too pathetic.”

Finn’s eyes narrow. He tosses his training sword to the ground too, turning to face Ben. “Excuse me?”

“You’re terrible,” Ben says.

For a moment, Finn’s furious. He’s been working hard on this form, hoping to impress Rey. Of course he doesn’t have it perfect yet, but he will, with practice. It’s a stupid comment for Ben to make.

Then he realizes what has just happened. Ben has insulted him. This isn’t his enemy Kylo Ren hurling taunts across the battlefield. It’s Ben Solo, who has seemed humble and even kind ever since Exegol.

It’s so obvious that Finn feels like an idiot. Ben’s personality didn’t magically change when he helped Rey. He’s trying to do the right thing, but it’s not easy for him. He’s not quiet because he’s humble. He’s quiet because he’s arrogant and angry.

He resents that he lost his powers. He resents that Finn can use the Force and he can’t.

Well, he’s just going to have to get used to it.

Finn crosses his arms, giving Ben as disdainful a look as he can manage. “Train me, then,” he says. “I need a teacher.”

This is apparently not the reaction Ben expected. He actually _pouts_ , his red lower lip jutting out and his brown eyes going dull and a little watery. It’s almost funny how pathetic he’s able to make himself look. Although Rey told Finn what Kylo Ren was like when their Force bond first activated, the idea was too ridiculous for him to really believe. Now, though, he’s seeing it for himself.

“I’m no Jedi,” Ben is petulantly muttering.

Finn shakes his head, huffing out a laugh. “But you know how to be one. You can train me.”

It takes a solid hour to goad him into it, but by that afternoon Ben is leading Finn through the lightsaber form, correcting his stance and posture and offering advice on developing a more powerful swing. After that, a few hours of Ben’s day are set aside specifically for Finn’s training. Rey returns once with a Sith holocron and is pleasantly surprised to find Ben coaching Finn through lifting several items at the same time with his mind. “Keep at it,” she tells them both before setting off again, and to Finn’s surprise Ben actually smiles.

“Kind of ironic,” Ben says one day, weeks into their new routine. They’re sitting cross-legged at the center of the airstrip, and Ben has been guiding Finn through meditation. “I know the theory. But my mind was never clear. Ever.”

It’s the first time he’s really said anything about the past. Finn chews his lips and nods, not sure how to respond.

“Maybe I never could have been a Jedi.”

It’s the first petulant comment from Ben in awhile. Finn wants to snap at him for it...but this time he feels like he understands. There were forces beyond Ben’s control that helped lead to the present. Palpatine was plotting against him before he was even born. Similarly, Finn was taken as a baby and indoctrinated as a soldier. He’s free now, but he’ll never truly be whatever he might have been.

That’s why, even though he thinks Ben is whining, all Finn says is, “Maybe.”

Ben goes quiet at that.

~

Sometimes, Finn has dreams. He’s back in that village. Slip is dying in his arms. Sometimes it goes exactly the same way. Finn can’t think. Everything goes blank.

Sometimes, it’s different. Finn raises his blaster and shoots every villager he sees. Everyone who isn’t a stormtrooper. He watches them all die at his own hands. By the end, he’s shaking with rage.

Either way, whichever of the dreams he has, he wakes up in a cold sweat, heart pounding, and the dream doesn’t leave him right away. He has to ride it out.

When Maz joined the Resistance permanently, she somehow knew about Finn’s dreams—maybe she sensed them?—and told him what to do. Now he keeps things near his bed to help him, just in case. Bitter root to chew on, forcing him to focus on the taste. Cold packs to slap onto his skin, forcing him to focus on the sensation. He’s recently put some of Ben’s calligraphy on the wall to look at. It’s all meant to bring him back to his current moment, to ground him. It’s not perfect, and it hasn’t made the dreams stop, but things are better than they were.

One day Ben says, “Am I pushing you too hard?”

Finn had a dream that night and is a little tired. “What?”

“It’s just, sometimes you look really tired the day after saber drills,” Ben says.

Finn has never made this connection before. His dreams have nothing to do with lightsabers. He’s not sure what one has to do with the other. “It’s not really just after saber drills, is it?”

“It seems like it is,” Ben says, “though I haven’t, like, been keeping track or anything.” He looks a little embarrassed, which, if Finn is honest, is a really cute look for him. “So are you? Tired?”

“Oh,” Finn says. “Yeah. But it’s nothing.” His hand goes to the lightsaber clipped to his belt, the one Ben showed him how to make. “We can do more drills today if you want.”

Ben doesn’t press, but he doesn’t ask for more drills either. They spend the day on meditation and what Rey likes to call ‘lifting rocks’.

~

Eventually, Ben has gone through enough documents and materials that archiving is no longer a full-time job. He asks Rey what she thinks of him doing what she’s been doing, traveling the galaxy in search of other Jedi artifacts. Finn doesn’t think she would have said yes in the beginning, but she says yes now.

Finn goes with him; it doesn’t occur to him not to, and Ben seems to expect it. When they’re stuck in transit, their little transport chugging along through hyperspace, they spend most of the day training. When they’re on-planet or at a space station, they spend half the day on investigation first.

Some places are more hospitable than others. Sometimes they find themselves sharing a bunk or sleeping bag. No matter where they go, they are together at virtually all times.

Given those conditions, it was probably only a matter of time before Ben witnessed one of Finn’s dreams. Still, he told himself, maybe it would never happen.

But then it does.

After it happens, after Ben sees everything, Finn leaves their little motel room, goes back to their ship, and locks himself in one of the bunks. He knows he has to explain things to Ben, but the thought of Ben knowing about his dreams makes his stomach twist. He doesn’t want anyone to know. Aside from Maz, he’s only told Rey.

When he can’t deal with his own cowardice anymore, Finn finally emerges from the bunk. Night has fallen, and the view through the transparisteel passenger windows is dark. He finds Ben waiting for him in the cockpit.

Finn sits down in the co-pilot’s seat, takes a deep breath, and fumbles his way through an explanation of what he dreams about and what he has to do when he wakes up to make the dreams go away. He doesn’t want to look Ben in the eye, but he forces himself to, daring Ben to make one of his sarcastic comments.

When he’s finished, Ben is quiet for a long moment. Then, “That’s why you’re tired sometimes,” he says.

Finn nods, still waiting for the joke. Only it never comes.

“Okay,” Ben says instead. “I’ll try to help next time. If you want.”

After that, they always share a bunk. Ben is there when Finn wakes, holding his hand and assuring him that he’s safe. It’s grounding, the way the bitter root and cold packs are. He squeezes Ben’s hand and takes deep breaths and feels his heart rate start to come down, and Ben never makes a single disparaging remark.

It’s some time before Finn realizes what the connection is between saber drills and his dreams.

There were two times in his life when Finn was utterly terrified. The first time was that first mission on Jakku. The one he dreams about.

The second time was in the snowy forest of Starkiller Base, when he and Rey were being chased down by Kylo Ren. When Kylo Ren flung Rey into a tree, and Finn was afraid she was dead. When Finn took up a lightsaber for the first time, ignited the blade, and faced Kylo Ren, even though he knew he could never win.

When Kylo Ren toyed with him. Tortured him. Slashed up his back like it was nothing. Left him for dead like _he_ was nothing.

Finn didn’t think it affected him that much. On Crait, he was ready to run out and help Luke Skywalker face Kylo Ren.

But he also hasn’t let himself think about it.

He wouldn’t be thinking about it now, except Ben is holding Finn’s saber, and he’s ignited it, and the purple glow on his face is the same as the mingled glow of blue and red sabers from the forest.

And Finn’s back there suddenly, shivering in the freezing cold, gripping the lightsaber Maz had pressed into his hand. He’s facing down a demon, a merciless monster who kills without care.

He’s feared Kylo Ren for years, and now he’s going to fight him. Now Kylo Ren is going to kill him, just like he kills everyone. Just like he might have already killed Rey.

The buzz of the lightsaber roars in Finn’s ears.

He has to fight back. He has to. And he will. But he can’t win. He knows it.

He’s going to die.

“Finn!”

Someone’s calling. It’s not Rey. It sounds like—but it can’t be. It can’t be Kylo Ren. The voice sounds...scared.

Finn’s hands are suddenly in someone else’s. Wait—where’s the lightsaber?

Did he drop it? He has to have the lightsaber—he has to have _something_ —Kylo Ren is coming—

“Finn!” the voice calls again. It sounds closer now, less foggy. “Finn, you’re having another dream!”

It’s—it’s Ben.

Finn blinks. Shakes his head. He’s not on Starkiller. This planet is very different, bright and sunny and warm. Starkiller’s gone.

Kylo Ren’s gone, too.

“Finn,” Ben says, and Finn can see him now. His eyes look watery. “It’s my fault, isn’t it?”

“Don’t give me that self-piteous shit,” Finn snaps without thinking. He’s breathing hard. He can feel his own pulse throbbing in his neck. “Of course it’s your fault.”

He hasn’t said anything until now. He’s tried to be sensitive to Ben’s struggle to be a better person. He knows Ben has been trying. But the fact of the matter is, Ben hasn’t done much of anything to actually atone for his deeds.

“You did this,” Finn says, and he yanks up the back of his tunic, spins to give Ben the full view. “You did this,” Finn repeats, turning back around to glare into Ben’s tremulous face. “You tried to kill me. You murdered who knows how many people—”

“I know,” Ben says quietly. “How many.”

“Shut up,” Finn says, eyes burning. “You knew what you were doing and you did it anyway. You don’t get to feel sorry for yourself about it.”

Ben stares at him, eyes wide, lips parted. Then he lowers his gaze to the reddish dirt at their feet. “Yeah,” he says. “You’re right. I’m…” But he doesn’t finish.

“I’m canceling today’s lesson,” Finn says. He stoops and recovers his lightsaber from where Ben apparently dropped it, then stalks back to their camp with the weapon clenched tightly in his fist.

For the first night in weeks, Ben doesn’t sleep in Finn’s bed. He doesn’t sleep at camp at all; Finn tells himself when he wakes the next morning that he doesn’t care where Ben slept.

It’s late in the day when Ben finally appears. He looks rough, dark circles under his eyes, hair matted and flat. But he’s all in one piece.

Finn ignores the strange sense of relief that washes over him and frowns at the smooth skin of Ben’s face instead. “I hate that your scar is gone,” he says. “Like everything could just be erased.”

Ben looks away. “I wish I could fix yours,” he says. “I mean. If you wanted that.”

Finn sighs. “You can’t just—”

“I know. I can’t just fix everything—”

“Stop interrupting.”

Ben blinks.

“You’re not in charge of this,” Finn says. He’s not really sure what he means by ‘this’, but he’s tired of Ben talking over him. “Stop trying to run it.”

Ben sucks at his lips. Swallows. “Okay.”

“We’ll do lightsaber drills today,” Finn says.

“But—”

“I want to see something. I know what’s going on now. Maybe that’ll make a difference.”

~

It’s decent penance, Finn thinks, Ben having to see the consequences of his actions every day. He’s stopped being so damned self-piteous, and he’s also stopped cutting Finn off when he’s trying to talk.

Finn’s getting pretty good with a lightsaber. Ben has told him he’s naturally gifted—a funny thing for him to say, given how this all started—but his skills are increasing even more as time goes on. He’s kind of eager to meet up with Rey and spar.

He’s also finding better balance in meditation. He feels centered. He feels...the Force. Ben’s done a pretty good job guiding him.

It doesn’t wipe out the things Ben’s done...but the things Ben’s done don’t cancel this out, either.

Finn thinks he kind of likes Ben, actually. His soft smile. His intelligence. His diligence. His passion.

He’s still the same person. Sort of. It’s hard to explain. Kylo Ren was what he called himself when he wasn’t taking responsibility for his actions. When he only thought about himself. He wasn’t a different person. He was making different choices. Terrible ones.

Now he’s trying to do better. That’s why it’s even possible for Finn to kind of like him.

It’s a little ridiculous, Finn thinks sometimes. The man who ordered him to kill, the man who slashed up his back with a lightsaber, is now a man who looks at him with kind, nervous eyes.

Finn doesn’t know if he should like the way Ben looks at him, but he does all the same.

~

Eventually their travels take them to, of all places, Jakku.

“The Church of the Force was here,” Ben says. “Maybe there’s something left.”

They both know why the Church of the Force is there no longer. They also both know there probably isn’t anything left at all. Not if the stormtroopers did their jobs...which of course they did.

“Why are we really here?” Finn asks as they step into the ruins of Tuanul.

Ben’s hands flex at his sides. “I’m here to give them a proper burial. You’re here to witness. If you would. Please.”

Startled, Finn doesn’t answer right away. Ben stares at the ground until he does. “Okay.”

With the Force, Ben could have buried the villagers’ remains quickly and easily. Without it, he’s left to dig each grave on his own. He doesn’t use droids or powered diggers. He uses a shovel, and he digs deep, deeper than the shifting sands, so no remains will be uncovered later.

It takes days. Ben does his best to identify each person based on logs taken from Lor San Tekka, to leave names on a marker. He buries everyone, and Finn watches.

Sometimes Finn wonders if he should help. His fingers itch to take the shovel and do some digging. He didn’t give the order, and he didn’t fire...but he didn’t try to stop it.

Of course, if he had, he’d probably be dead.

They’re standing in front of the stone marker on which Ben has inscribed all the names, all the victims now properly buried, when Ben says, “Sometimes I think I should be dead.”

Finn nods. “Me too,” he says.

Ben looks surprised.

“I didn’t try to save them,” Finn explains. “Why did I get to live?”

“You had to live,” Ben says seriously, “to help stop me.”

Finn chews his lip. “The will of the Force?”

“Maybe,” Ben says. “But I always used the Force as an excuse. If it were me...I’d say you chose to live.” He turns, catches Finn’s eyes. “But your death here would have been a waste.”

Finn swallows. Ben looks so intent. So certain of what he just said. “Your death would have been a waste, too,” he says. “You would have been gone. You wouldn’t have done this.” He nods to the graves. “Someone else could have done it. But it means more that you did.”

“I didn’t even want this,” Ben says. “I was pathetic. I ordered these people murdered because I was afraid to look weak.” His voice is thick, and his jaw is tight. “They didn’t deserve to die. They’d done nothing wrong. Lor didn’t deserve to die either. No one I killed—” He breaks off, turns away. “Sorry.”

“You can say it,” Finn tells him. “It’s not self-pity to state facts.”

“You’re hard on me,” Ben says. “I appreciate that.” He looks back to the large stone marker. “No one I killed deserved to die.”

Finn isn’t sure what to do with what Ben’s just said. “You like me giving you a hard time?”

“No,” Ben huffs, a rueful chuckle. “I hate it. But it’s what I deserve. And it’s what I need.”

Finn considers this. “There are lots of people who’d be more than happy to insult you.”

“But how many of them would trust me to teach them the ways of the Force? How many of them would stay with me?” Ben shrugs his hands into the pockets of his trousers, hunching his shoulders. “Why _do_ you trust me? Why stay with me? Why aren’t you with Rey, or—”

“Shut up,” Finn says. He doesn’t know the answer.

“Okay,” Ben says. He bows his head and closes his eyes.

Finn follows suit, offering a moment of silence to the Tuanul dead. But Ben’s question pricks at him. He could be with Rey right now. Rey could teach him just fine. Her school is open; she’s teaching others. Finn chose this nomadic life with Ben, ostensibly to supervise his rehabilitation...but if that was all, surely he’d be fed up with him by now.

“I don’t know,” he says. “I just know...I want to be here.”

Ben is quiet as they clean up, collect their gear, return to their ship. It’s late; in unspoken agreement, they settle in for the night.

Ben lies a little closer to Finn than usual in their bunk. He’s pressed as close to Finn’s back as possible without touching him. Finn turns over to face him, barely making out his eyes in the low light. Ben’s lips are pursing and shifting in the way they do when he’s having an emotion.

Finn settles onto his back, slides an arm beneath Ben’s head, and pulls Ben’s head to his shoulder. “Here,” he says. Ben is barely breathing. Finn can feel his heartbeat, hard and fast. He rubs his hand over Ben’s back, shoves his fingers into Ben’s hair. “It’s okay,” he says.

He isn’t really sure what he’s doing. Just...there’s something about Ben right now. Something private and vulnerable, that maybe only Rey has seen before, when they were bonded. All Finn knows is that he seems to be having an emotion too.

They sleep like that, Ben curled into Finn’s side, Finn’s arm around Ben’s shoulder. Sometime during the night, Ben wraps his arm around Finn’s middle and buries his face in Finn’s neck. Finn wakes to the warm, pleasant feeling of breath tickling his skin, of Ben’s solid form pressed against him. He thinks he could get used to it. He hopes they’ll sleep like this from now on.

Ben’s eyes flutter open, lashes brushing lightly beneath Finn’s ear. He lets out a confused sound and pulls back a little, but Finn tugs him back into place.

“Morning,” Finn says.

“Huh,” Ben says.

They’re quiet for a moment. Finn’s enjoying how Ben feels wrapped against his side, but another feeling is creeping up on him, growing more and more insistent. He turns his face toward Ben’s.

Ben’s eyes look just the way Finn feels, so much so that Finn sucks in a breath. He wets his lips, drops his eyes to Ben’s mouth. “Hey,” he says gently. He isn’t sure what’s happening.

“Finn,” Ben answers. He sounds like he might cry. “I don’t—I don’t deserve—”

Finn kisses him.

Ben’s soft sound of surprise shifts into a groan as Finn deepens the kiss, rolls on top of Ben. He kisses Ben breathless, shifting against the hard length grinding into his thigh, bucking his own erection against Ben’s abs. “You might not deserve it,” he murmurs. “But you can have it anyway.”

“Why?” Ben whispers. His mouth is red and wet and his eyes are wide.

This time, Finn has an answer. He’s had the answer all along and never realized until now.

“Because I want it too.”


End file.
